Answer this question: Do you allow others to effect how you feel? Think of some of the phrases that we have heard since we were little and that we pass along to our own kids.
“Don’t say that.”
“It hurts his feelings”
“You make me so happy”
“The way you are acting is making me really upset”
“I’m so proud of you”
In this video, we’ll learn how letting other people effect how you feel gives them the power. How do you fix it and not pass that problem on to your kids?
We are all guilty of letting other people dictate whether we are happy, sad, angry, or experience some kind of emotion. But we actually have the decision of how things effect us. Now, I’m not saying this is easy. But imagine if you were able to not be effected by what others say or do. What if we were able to teach our children that despite what others say or do, it doesn’t really effect them? Remember the saying: “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”. What happened to that? Everyone is now so darn sensitive to everything anyone says.
Imagine teaching your child that happiness is a decision. That They are allowed to be happy regardless of what someone says or does. That they have the right to feel great despite the way someone may act towards them. This is really powerful. Think about how that could effect bullying, acceptance among peers, or even some causes of suicide. People are so greatly effected by what others say and do.
So what are some ways that we can help deal with this:
#1) Refrain from blaming your kids for any emotional state you may be in. For example, don’t say “You and your brother are making me angry”. Instead you could say: “It looks like you and your brother aren’t getting along. How do you think we can solve this?” Another example: “what you said really hurt my feelings”. Instead you could say: “Is what you said very nice? How could you have said that differently?”. “I’m so proud of you”…. you could say “You should be really proud of yourself.” They shouldn’t rely on you to to feel good. Let them feel good on their own.
#2) Teach your child that they get to decide how things effects them. They are in control. While it’s ok to have feelings, they can begin to understand that the feelings are controlled by them, not others. It’s ok to be sad, angry, and happy. But YOU are the one that get’s to choose how you feel. If you get to choose, wouldn’t you choose happiness?
#3) Provide them examples in real time. When your child says, “she hurt my feelings”. You may say, “Did she hurt your feelings or did you decide that what she said hurt your feelings?.” It doesn’t make what the person said right, but it does change the control. We like to blame others when things don’t go the way we want. Why would we want to look inside for answers when we can stop the investigation by just blaming someone else. This happens in the relationships we have with our children, our romantic relationships, and even our business relationships. We also give other people so much credit for making us happy. Take back the control. You decide how you want to be. Don’t leave that up to someone else.