You probably fall into one of these two categories:
1) You are a soon to be dad or a new dad and you are concerned that your sex life is going to be different (and not as good) after the baby is born.
2) and then the other group already has a child or multiple children and you are wanting to have sex more often with your wife than they you currently are.
Either way, the good news is that we have some tips for you to get a little more attention at home
We talk a lot on this podcast about really important topics like empathy, gratitude, & parenting techniques. You know what I keep getting asked, “How can I get my wife to _____” and that usually revolves around having more sex or something involving sex.
Here’s the disclaimer: Neither of us our sex therapists. But realizing how important this topic is for you, I figured I would provide some insight as to what I have learned. Some of this is through trial and error as well as having great communication with my wife. In other words, I listened.
#1 – Stop complaining – Nobody wants to hear you complain that your not having enough sex, especially your wife. When someone complains to you about anything, does it motivate you to change? Complaining is not an effective strategy. So let’s get that out of the way first. Stop complaining to anyone.
#2 – Realize we are different – Men are X-rated, woman are PG – If you ask a man to define sensuality, it probably involves some kind of nudity or sex act. If you ask women the same question, it more likely involves, conversation, physical touch like holding hands, gazing into each other’s eyes.
Remember this one too: (words on screen or some kind of graphic representation)
A man needs sexual fulfillment in order to respond to a woman emotionally
While a woman needs emotional fulfillment in order to respond to a man sexually
yes, We are very different.
#3 – Understand her love language – Author Gary Chapman wrote a famous book called The 5 Love Languages. In it, he talks about the different ways we express and receive love. If your wife’s love language is “acts of service” then you don’t spend much time getting her gifts. Its’ not going to do much for her.
If her love language is physical touch, then provide her affection instead of trying to woo her with words of affirmation. Try to understand what her love language is.
#4 Focus on her not you – Ask yourself the question “what can I do to make her day a little easier? and do that. If you don’t know the answer then ask her that question directly. “What can I do to help you?”
In addition to helping her, focusing on her is not just outside the bedroom, it’s important in the bedroom as well.
#5 – Drop your expectations – Men think that anything that is romantic or even remotely sensual can be put into the sex category. It’s on!
We just kissed, that means she wants to have sex.
She was flirting with me so she definitely is open to having sex
She said some pretty nice things to me earlier, so she must be thinking about sex.
No, no, and no.
What happens is that she will begin to pull away because you think everything is related to sex. You need to get that out of your head. Some things, or most things, or even almost everything, isn’t necessarily related to sex for her.
6) Show appreciation – After having kids, woman can often feel like they are not “good enough”, “sexy enough” or whatever enough is in their head. If we are putting demands on them or being critical, this is only going to make it worse.
Provide her genuine compliments and positive re-enforcement showing appreciation when you can. Compliment her on something non-sexual. “I really appreciate that you made dinner.” or “I heard you dealing with the kids earlier. you are so good at handling that stuff.”
The bottom line is that if you want to have success in the bedroom, you have to understand how to work outside the bedroom. Listen to her, be empathetic, and work as a team. If what you are doing isn’t working, then you need to change it.
I’d love to hear from you. What are some things you would suggest to do in order to get more attention from your wife? Leave your feedback in the comments section below.